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Leadership Gags

Why not take a coffee break and enjoy some of these light-hearted leadership and management gags?

There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.

A human resource person was quizzing a new employee on the company's safety manual. "And what steps do you take in case of a fire?" she asked. The new employee replied, "Quick ones."

The Manager always scheduled a weekly staff meeting at four-thirty on Friday afternoons. When an employee got up the nerve to ask why, the Manager explained, "I've found that late Friday afternoon is the only time none of you want to argue with me."

"I demand a raise," a man told his Manager, "Three other companies are after me." His boss replied, "You've got to be kidding me. What other companies are after you?" The man answered, "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Two friends agreed to meet for drinks after work. One arrived late and said, "Sorry, but on my way here I saw three punks slapping my old Manager around." His friend asked, "Did you stop and help?" The guy said, "No, I figured the three of them could handle it."

A man rings his Manager and says, "I have to take a day off work, because my wife and I are having a baby." "Oh, okay." The next day the man comes to work and his boss says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The man says, "I don't know. I'll tell you in nine months."

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman. "Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure." "So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown." "So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman. "Oh no," says the farmer. "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

The Quiz

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "manager." The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
--This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
--This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
--This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
--This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many little pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four year old. They don't even have that level of achievement!

Insurance Claim

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Two and Two

A business leader was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant the question. "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His reply was, "Would that be 'twenty-two'?"

The second was a social worker. She said, "I'm sure this must somehow be important for this company's process, but I'm not sure of the answer."

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven by the court to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and, in a low voice, slyly asked: "How much do you want it to be?"

And he got the job.

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